The List

On the LRT bound for Recto, I sat beside a burly guy who looks like he's been slacking and falling behind his gym regimen, with his mp3 player's headphones on. He probably didn't notice it but the music he was listening to was loud enough for me to hear as well, and...and...gasp! he digs Whitney Houston, "boom!...Indaaaaay will alwaaays..." I gave him a look which says, "mister, I...didn't...know...you...were.." but snapped myself out of it and banished the thought when I saw that his fist could easily send me to the outer reaches of the galaxy.

Which reminded me of Jun's "fool-proof" list, more like a three-item questionnaire meant to determine whether a guy is straight or not, drawn up during his high school days when about half of his male colleagues, according to him, were either gay or gayish. Indifference to, or even dislike of, basketball, familiarity with Oscar Award winners, and affinity with Miss Universe and Miss World beauty pageants sealed the subject's fate.

I have my own list as well, sort of like a veritable gaydar metric system, reinforced by that LRT experience. Since I am a market researcher, I design questionnaires meant to gauge market response. Very much like a pre-employment personality exam, here it goes:

Diva test: Would you rather listen to Celine Dion or Mariah Carey than Eminem or Snoop Dog? Localizing the question, do you prefer Regine Velasquez/Lani Misalucha over Salbakuta/Kontra Gapi?

Guy factor: Would you rather watch a concert featuring either or both Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby than a Cecile Licad concert at the CCP?

Diction test: Do you pronounce "Kamuning" with a long "e" as in Kamuneeeeeng, rather than the crisp and short "e", as in, well, Kamuning?

Answer a single Yes to any of the questions above and you're just gay curious; two, and it makes you gayish; answer Yes to all three questions and you're hopelessly and unequivocally, gay.

Which reminds me of Pansit. You see, Luis Manzano, in his Lucky Me Noodles TV commercial, doesn't pronounce "Pansit" (or noodles, for my non-Tagalog speaking friends) as "Panseeeet", but "Panset", and he sounds gay just the same.

You finally snap and go, "Ron, you listen to opera, and that's probably the gayest of all musical arts." Outlandish costumes, heaving bosoms and voices that could shatter glass panes and give you a heart attack, you may be right -- but I make the list, and this is my blog :)